CONFESSIONS OF A SCAPEGOAT

Those who know me well call me Jess, my followers call me “The Amazon Lady”, and my kids call me mom.  I am almost 40 years old and have recently begun reflecting on my childhood.  Most of my life, I thought I had a pretty boring and relatively normal youth, but as it turns out, it was full of trauma that I have been bottling and ignoring for years.  I was oblivious to how this trauma molded me into the adult that I am today and how it was negatively impacting my life.  You see… I was our family’s scapegoat.  I was the one on whom everything was blamed.  I was the one that everyone could hide behind.  I was the one that was used as a pawn.  I was the one who had to grow up a lot on my own and made way too many mistakes doing so.  I was the one who tried to be there for my family emotionally, even though I was always kicked when I was down.

Did you know scapegoats are discussed in the bible?  The bible references scapegoats as living sacrifices, and when you grow up as the scapegoat in a dysfunctional family, that is exactly what you become.  A dysfunctional family will often single out one person to take the blame for all of the problems.  This allows the family to go on as if all is well and their behaviors are “normal”.  The scapegoat usually points out issues within the family but spends her life being gaslighted and ultimately left questioning her reality.  However, when the rest of the family is unwilling to admit the obvious, keeps secrets, and hides the truth, the scapegoat will not understand.

I spent a lifetime being told that I needed to “grow up” when I felt emotions, always questioning my memory of what happened because of constant gaslighting, and never feeling good enough to “fit into” my own family. I spent that same lifetime being told that “she is family, you need to be the bigger person.”  Being the scapegoat in my family, left the “Golden Child” title to my only sister, who wore the title well.  She got away with everything, because I was the screw up, and all eyes were on me.  Even as an adult, she still dictates the family dynamic, and I reached a breaking point with all of it.  I spoke out about it and lost 50% of my family for doing so.  Scapegoats are expected to keep the family secrets because those secrets never make anyone look good, but the shame that has been created in the scapegoat leaves her feeling too embarrassed to share them anyway.

So here goes nothing; this is my story. These are my confessions, the confessions of a scapegoat.